Ultimate guide to living with transformers
by nobleboivin
Summary: summary inside. Rated T for Cybertronian swearing and a breif mention of mech/femme will temporarlly lable as complete untill I can get more ideas
1. Chapter 1

The Ultimate Guide to living with Transformers

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Disclaimer: I do not own transformers or anything else mentioned.

A/N: None of this is to be taken seriouslly. I also understand that this has been done before and I apologize if I end up saying something already used. I just thought I would take a crack at this kind of story.

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First set of Rules

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These are a list of rules posted by my favorite OC Valkyrie

#1. When around any transformer with a feline mode do not approach with catnip

(Ravage pratically mauled me. Cheetor wouldn't leave me alone. Lio Convoy tried to hump me)

#2 Goes with rule #1. If a feline transformer is on catnip its best to let them go through their motions. Also don't take away their catnip if they have some. They will attack

(Bulkhead had to get stitches when he accidentlly threw out Tigatron's catnip.)

#3 Do not compare Lio Convoy, Lio Junior, and Black Lio Convoy to any of three main lions from the Lion King. Do not ask Lio Convoy to set up a date with Nala.

(Lio Convoy gave Lio Junior a confused look for two days)

#4 When walking in the Cybertronian section of the base always look in every direction before crossing

(Miko is still feeling the effects of the Limo twins when they were playing football. Ouch. Poor girl)

#5 Asking any of the flyiers for a joy ride is now prohibitted inside the base

(Totally worth it though.)

#6 The rubber ducky needs to be treated with the same respect as we would give the Predacons.

(Megatron's cousin Megatron is totally nuts)

#7 Red flags do not make Cliff Jumper angry

(I thought he was part bull. He does have bull horns.)

#8 Only me and Miko can call Bulkhead Jolly Green Giant. Any one else will be shot or mauled regardless of faction or race.

#9 What ever you do do not joke about any form of illness or abnormal bodily function around the medics. They take it seriouslly. Ratchet will take a wrench to you in the process if he has too.

(How was I supposed to know my first time talk with Arcee would lead an examination and an embarassing talk with Ratchet)

#10 The Matrix is not a radio. It does not play "The touch" or any other song. It is a powerfull weapon that can only be used by a Prime


	2. Chapter 2

The Ultimate Guide to living with Transformers

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own transformers or anything else mentioned.

A/N: None of this is to be taken seriouslly. I also understand that this has been done before and I apologize if I end up saying something already used. I just thought I would take a crack at this kind of story.

* * *

2nd set of Rules

* * *

Optimus's set

#11 Do not try anything Wheeljack gives you without supervision

#12 Goes with the previous rule. Don't be any where near Wheeljack unless there is extra supervision and allot of possible places to flee from a possible explosion

(I once walked by Wheeljack and his hand exploded in my face. The horror of servos, fluids and the smell. The horror)

#13 I will not use my title as Prime to get out of med bay. When it comes to anything medical related Ratchet is always superior and the rest of are inferior

#14 I will not reveal myself to science convention and anime fans so the kids can get free stuff

(But fowler the kids poished our armor and cleaned the base without us even asking them and I promised I would do something for them in return)

#15 Slasher movies are banned from the base. Ratchet can overreact sometimes. It took me to months to convince him that the humans are fine and safe in the kitchen area.

#16 I will repeat it like countless others have said. THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP DOES NOT PLAY MUSIC. SO IF YOU DON'T STOP TRYING TO GET IT TO PLAY MUSIC BLASTER I WILL HAVE TO SHOOT YOU AND GIVE YOUR SPARKLINGS TO SOUNDWAVE!

#16 please do not and i repeat do not imitate things seen or heard in movies.

(I thought putting peanut butter in my aft would get me out of my physical not locked up for two nights)

#17 Just because we are robots does not mean we know the robot by spark.

#18 Whoever keeps replacing the pool water with maple syrup will be catapulted into a block of Jello.

#19 I will not use my cab to dump Seven tons of Jello mix in the ocean and encase the Nemesis in a Jello mold.

#20 Any one breaking any rule will be made to write an essay on the meaning behind each rule.

(Dammit Prowl my Servos still hurt from all of that writing)

This is it for now so I'll be putting this on hiatus. Its hard to think of original ideas when this has been done like 20+ times.


	3. Chapter 3

The Ultimate Guide to Living with Transformers

Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers in this universe anyway. In another, I'm not sure

A/N: I know I listed this as complete but I got more ideas. Thanks Indigo Ninja for the ideas. I'll make it Rule #21 and #22 but I'm going to tweak it a bit. This is in my Crystal Widow's point of view

#21 Do NOT touch or any flier's wings especially when their asleep and if you have to make sure you have the flier's permission first especially when it comes to Starscream  
(I almost died when I tried to wake up Starscream by grabbing one of them, Primus, that was scary...)

#22 don't make fun of their frame or even their names  
(someone called 'Scream a girl once and woke up one morning with a femme's chest plate and thundercracker did not like it when we farted every time we saw it. It does get annoying after a while)

#23 when noticing a cocoon of webbing please do not cut it open. Knock first.

Explaining the techno organic birds and the bees to Bee and the kids was not fun. Any spider former will attack and so will their spark mate

#24 when traveling in spider mode be as invisible as possible

I thought arachnophobia was only a movie

#25 Cheetor is not the manifestation of Goku from the DB series. The similarity in voice is merely a coincidence

#26 Us Cybertronians are not zords, zoids or voltron or any other giant robot themed character

Thanks for that one Galloway. Now Miko wants to pilot us

#27 Only Annabelle Lenox, sparklings and children are allowed to call Grimlock, BW Megatron, and any other t-rex themed transformer Uncle Barney

#28 Do not joke about eating certain beast mode based formers. It gets taken too seriously by other beast mode based transformers and the medics

#29 I will not use the shape of my servos as an excuse to flip people and Cybertronians off without them noticing

#30 Do not get in-between Cheetor and his ham. Only I can


	4. Chapter 4

The Ultimate Guide to Living with Transformers

Disclaimer: Don't own Transformers in this universe anyway. In another, I'm not sure

A/N: I know I listed this as complete but I got more ideas. Thanks Indigo Ninja for the ideas. I'll make it Rule #21 and #22 but I'm going to tweak it a bit.

Soundwave's set

#31 be sure to carry earplugs when around Starscream and Megatron or adjust your audio sensors

They can be very noisy

#32 Do not mess with my babies (As in my minicons, my computers and my ship or even my radio) Skywarp learned that the hard way

#33 It's not a good idea to blackmail me. I have blackmail on you and I will post it on every computer and television station in the universe

Megatron didn't believe me until I mentioned Luna/Nightmare pony. FYI Optimus Prime likes Queen Celestia

#34 The rules concerning Autobot and Maximal scientist and Medics such as Wheeljack and Ratchet should also be used when around Con scientist and Medics. Shockwave is insane and Knock Out is just as good with a wrench as Ratchet.

#35 Breakdown does not have mental Breakdowns so if you insult him you will get a gun to the face

#36 IN speaking of Knock Out don't vandalize his paint job

Okay I may have gotten over energized and I may have thought KO would look prettier in pink which he does.

#37 Any mech or femme with a tentacle or tail or can generate a web or has some sort of rope like device is not allowed to use them for jump rope

That was a fun day. Too bad a certain con who won't be named ruined it

#38 To go with number 37 they can't be used as bungee cords either

My head still hearts from that bridge collapsing

#39 Do not encourage Rumble and Frenzy. It doesn't need to repeated

The bathrooms were out for two weeks on the nemesis so we had to have a temporary truce with the Autobots. Enough said

#40 When Megatron demands answers don not say any of the following

Uh please leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEEP

I gotta poop

I'm sorry I'm deaf in my audio sensors

Do it yourself next time


	5. Chapter 5

Ultimate Guide to Living with Transformers

**Disclaimer: Usual Disclaimers apply**

**A/N: I combined all of the universes into my own aligned continuity. First two rules were suggested by Indigo Ninja**

Thundercracker approaches the Nemesis bulletin board and posts a bunch of rules in regards to all fliers in general. The rules were made from a joint meeting between all the factions.

#1 do NOT touch their wings (Especially Starscream's)

(I almost died when I tried to wake up Starscream by grabbing one of them, god that was scary...)

#2 doesn't make fun of their frame (Especially Starscream's)

(Someone called 'Scream a girl once and woke up one morning with a femme's chest plate)

#3 Airachnid is not a true flier.

(She'll say otherwise but she chose her form to flee not because she liked it)

#4 Jet Judo is for jets only. Do not try it on other fliers. The medics will be pissed if they have to repair a wing and you will get injured if caught in a helicopter's blades.

#5 in regards to Jet Judo, if you get injured while preforming the move, Ratchet and Knock Out has all rights to laugh at you

#6 does not entice the fliers to fly inside unless they are small enough

#7 Do not try to imitate "How to Train your Dragon" With any beast mode

#8 please, be aware that we are robots in disguise so try to act like your designated mode. In other words, Jets are not allowed to in between buildings as a stunt unless necessary.

(That means you Skywarp. You shattered every skyscraper's window in New York City preforming that stunt)

#9 all fliers need to be allowed some air time. Denying their fly time makes them experience cabin fever.


End file.
